Thursday, May 21, 2015

What Day Is It

The days are running together. What has it been now? Two, three weeks since my husband told me he wanted a divorce? I go through the days trying to act normal. And sometimes I almost forget. Like when I'm making dinner and the kids are there and Husband is doing his usual things that he does...sitting on the couch reading something on his iPad. Only I'm not on the couch; I'm in the kitchen sitting at the table and then it's time to put the kids to bed and I start crying while I'm reading to Handsome Man about a cute little rabbit family. And then I go into my bedroom once the kids are down and I sob and sob and it won't stop coming out of me. And what am I crying over exactly? The end of the marriage? Or the realization that I have spent the last 13 years of my life in an emotionally abusive relationship where I have become totally disconnected from my feelings, and now I don't even know who I am anymore. I love my children, that is all I know. But right now it is hard just getting out of bed to feed them breakfast, or to remember to make them brush their teeth. I have got to keep it together. But I can't go on in this Limbo much longer. He needs to move out--but then the thought of having to explain everything to the children crushes me even more and I feel like I can't breathe.

Wednesday, May 13, 2015


It has been over a week since my husband announced his unhappiness and his plan to divorce.

We are in limbo since his job is in flux and he may be taking another job which would mean another move--to Seattle. The potential move I've known about for a while. And while the mere thought of moving has had me stressed and sad (taking kids away from friends, *I* finally had some friends of my own, too--taking Handsome out of the school he is doing so well in, moving to yet another uncharted place with no friends, no family, figuring out the whole school thing for Handsome all over again, and of course, moving away from the potential business contacts I've made and the floral business I'd stated growing, finally, 4 years after our relocation here) I have been a cheerleader and confidant for my husband as he has vacillated back and forth over the past few months with his job situation and all the stress (not his fault) that is happening in his company. I absolutely do not want to move but I've made it clear that if it is for the good of the Family, I will do so. I have stuffed down my own feelings about this potential move to give him space and support. I assumed his increased moodiness and distance over the last few months had to do solely with the job situation. Little did I know he was planning our divorce.

My question though: Had I not dragged it out of him the other night, a "conversation he was not ready to have yet" when was he planning on telling me? Was he going to wait until we schlepped all our belongings out to Seattle, just like we schlepped everything out to Las Vegas four years ago, only this time, he'd tell me, oh, by the way, you'll be living in your own place.

I do not know how long he has been planning this I only know he has been increasingly distant for a while. I asked him if he is seeing anyone and he protested of course he is not, but it leaves me wondering. I know A LOT of people from his current company are making the move to Seattle; could there be someone else he's anxious to be with on the other side?

He does make an awful lot of business trips to Seattle.

I go between feeling quite numb and then feeling consumed by sadness, and a feeling of free-fall. My heart and my stomach seem to switch places and I can barely breathe, let alone eat. I find myself choking back tears at the most inopportune and random times: talking to my son's swim coach after class about my son's back-stroke. Driving my son to school. Standing in line at the grocery store.

Aside from the fact that we are now sleeping in separate bedrooms he comes home from work every day acting as if everything is hunky-dory! How nice for him, to be so comfortable and have access to his children, his belongings, my cooking, my cleaning, etc., etc., just like always! No worries for him. He obviously has let go--long ago, and now he's looking forward to the next chapter of his life.

Meanwhile, I wonder what the next chapter of my life can possibly hold--and--does he plan to write it for me like he has in the past? He assumes I will go along with his version of how this divorce will go--where we'll live (separately, but both near his work so he doesn't have to drive far to pick up kids on his days with them), how we'll divide custody (50/50), how we'll spend our Holidays (at his parent's house of course, theirs no reason for it to be awkward unless we make it awkward!), what kind of job I might pursue (now that you'll have more free time!).

His arrogance is maddening. And yet I should be used to it by now. But what I am really just starting to grasp now is the level at which I have subjugated myself to his wishes, desires, demands, and perception of how 'our' life should be: constantly putting my own dreams, career, friends, talents, interests, so far back on the back burner that they've gotten cold and rotten in the pot.

I've poured it all into making sure Handsome Man got what he needed. I've been a full time parent, advocate, student of special education law.... you name it. I've been a cook, a laundress, a frugal coupon-clipping shopper... dedicated to making our life work.

Of course I'm not without fault. I get moody and cranky. Especially after a full day with the kids. Especially on the days when Handsome Man is being particularly offensive to me. Some days he is steeped in his Oppositional Defiant Disorder and goes out of his way to make me upset. He tells me he "fucking hates me" and I'm "the worst mom in the world" and that I "obviously don't love him." This could be all just because I wouldn't let him get a snack from the vending machine after swim class because I don't want him eating any junk food before dinner. You know. Days like that. Yeah, by the time my husband gets home from work (and goes up stairs to 'relax' for 30-45 minutes--more if he decided to take a nap) and I'm battling with homework, discipline, dinner, whining, complaining, etc... you know, the funnest part of the day, right!... when I could use my partner's help, but he is blissfully checking Facebook, or whatever he does up in our room--yeah, I get a little crabby. I snap and yell too much at the kids. When he does come down stairs and grace us with his presence, the kids are dying for his attention and he barely acknowledges them as he gets on his computer or his iPad. Then it's bedtime, and that's the next big challenge. This is usually the toughest part of the day for Handsome Man, Meds have worn off, he's starting to feel tired, but nighttime meds haven't quite kicked in so he's wired, and volatile. After I get both kids down I feel like I've run a marathon. So, I guess there's not much of the good stuff left for my husband at the end of the day... I resent his hand-off parenting style...but I don't dare voice my concerns (I've made that mistake before!)

It's 4:45 a.m. and of course I'm awake. Insomnia much? I will try to get a snooze in before my alarm goes off in about an hour.

Today he leaves for Seattle for 3 days. He'll have his interviews. I'm just relieved I'll have the house to myself for that time. Maybe tonight I will be able to sleep soundly.

Friday, May 8, 2015


The other night my husband came out with the revelation that he thought it would be better if we got a divorce... This all comes on the cusp of a few things: 1. my mother had been ill, and my sister, unable to care for her alone, had been needing my help, so I drove out to California with my youngest for a few days to lend a hand, 2. HIS father was having some health problems, so we cancelled  a much anticipated trip to see them so that my husband could go by himself, while his sister and brother were also visiting from their various homes throughout the country. I have always been very close to his family (mine is lacking for many reasons) so it was a blow to hear tonight that he had already discussed our divorce with his family (brother and sister included) at least a month before I had any idea. Right now I feel like I've had a big punch to the gut and I can't stop crying. There is so much more to this story, and of course as it unravels there will be more gore and guts to spill  but for now I am totally spend, wondering if somehow I am crazy, and I just fucked up something I should have been more appreciative of all along, and if maybe, I am just a sour person who can never be happy, or, if I unwittingly married a Narccicist  who has been unable to feel or empathize with me for years and all of my emotion has been seen as 'instability' to him--and he has made me believe it too.

I ramble, i've had a few and I've been sobbing. He seems very smug when he says, "it's ok to be angry, I've had time to process this, and you haven't" Yes, I just wonder WHO he's been processing it with...IYKWIM