Now

It has been over a week since my husband announced his unhappiness and his plan to divorce.

We are in limbo since his job is in flux and he may be taking another job which would mean another move--to Seattle. The potential move I've known about for a while. And while the mere thought of moving has had me stressed and sad (taking kids away from friends, *I* finally had some friends of my own, too--taking Handsome out of the school he is doing so well in, moving to yet another uncharted place with no friends, no family, figuring out the whole school thing for Handsome all over again, and of course, moving away from the potential business contacts I've made and the floral business I'd stated growing, finally, 4 years after our relocation here) I have been a cheerleader and confidant for my husband as he has vacillated back and forth over the past few months with his job situation and all the stress (not his fault) that is happening in his company. I absolutely do not want to move but I've made it clear that if it is for the good of the Family, I will do so. I have stuffed down my own feelings about this potential move to give him space and support. I assumed his increased moodiness and distance over the last few months had to do solely with the job situation. Little did I know he was planning our divorce.

My question though: Had I not dragged it out of him the other night, a "conversation he was not ready to have yet" when was he planning on telling me? Was he going to wait until we schlepped all our belongings out to Seattle, just like we schlepped everything out to Las Vegas four years ago, only this time, he'd tell me, oh, by the way, you'll be living in your own place.

I do not know how long he has been planning this I only know he has been increasingly distant for a while. I asked him if he is seeing anyone and he protested of course he is not, but it leaves me wondering. I know A LOT of people from his current company are making the move to Seattle; could there be someone else he's anxious to be with on the other side?

He does make an awful lot of business trips to Seattle.

I go between feeling quite numb and then feeling consumed by sadness, and a feeling of free-fall. My heart and my stomach seem to switch places and I can barely breathe, let alone eat. I find myself choking back tears at the most inopportune and random times: talking to my son's swim coach after class about my son's back-stroke. Driving my son to school. Standing in line at the grocery store.

Aside from the fact that we are now sleeping in separate bedrooms he comes home from work every day acting as if everything is hunky-dory! How nice for him, to be so comfortable and have access to his children, his belongings, my cooking, my cleaning, etc., etc., just like always! No worries for him. He obviously has let go--long ago, and now he's looking forward to the next chapter of his life.

Meanwhile, I wonder what the next chapter of my life can possibly hold--and--does he plan to write it for me like he has in the past? He assumes I will go along with his version of how this divorce will go--where we'll live (separately, but both near his work so he doesn't have to drive far to pick up kids on his days with them), how we'll divide custody (50/50), how we'll spend our Holidays (at his parent's house of course, theirs no reason for it to be awkward unless we make it awkward!), what kind of job I might pursue (now that you'll have more free time!).

His arrogance is maddening. And yet I should be used to it by now. But what I am really just starting to grasp now is the level at which I have subjugated myself to his wishes, desires, demands, and perception of how 'our' life should be: constantly putting my own dreams, career, friends, talents, interests, so far back on the back burner that they've gotten cold and rotten in the pot.

I've poured it all into making sure Handsome Man got what he needed. I've been a full time parent, advocate, student of special education law.... you name it. I've been a cook, a laundress, a frugal coupon-clipping shopper... dedicated to making our life work.

Of course I'm not without fault. I get moody and cranky. Especially after a full day with the kids. Especially on the days when Handsome Man is being particularly offensive to me. Some days he is steeped in his Oppositional Defiant Disorder and goes out of his way to make me upset. He tells me he "fucking hates me" and I'm "the worst mom in the world" and that I "obviously don't love him." This could be all just because I wouldn't let him get a snack from the vending machine after swim class because I don't want him eating any junk food before dinner. You know. Days like that. Yeah, by the time my husband gets home from work (and goes up stairs to 'relax' for 30-45 minutes--more if he decided to take a nap) and I'm battling with homework, discipline, dinner, whining, complaining, etc... you know, the funnest part of the day, right!... when I could use my partner's help, but he is blissfully checking Facebook, or whatever he does up in our room--yeah, I get a little crabby. I snap and yell too much at the kids. When he does come down stairs and grace us with his presence, the kids are dying for his attention and he barely acknowledges them as he gets on his computer or his iPad. Then it's bedtime, and that's the next big challenge. This is usually the toughest part of the day for Handsome Man, Meds have worn off, he's starting to feel tired, but nighttime meds haven't quite kicked in so he's wired, and volatile. After I get both kids down I feel like I've run a marathon. So, I guess there's not much of the good stuff left for my husband at the end of the day... I resent his hand-off parenting style...but I don't dare voice my concerns (I've made that mistake before!)

It's 4:45 a.m. and of course I'm awake. Insomnia much? I will try to get a snooze in before my alarm goes off in about an hour.

Today he leaves for Seattle for 3 days. He'll have his interviews. I'm just relieved I'll have the house to myself for that time. Maybe tonight I will be able to sleep soundly.