It Doesn't Really Matter Now

My last post was a bit of a rant, I know.

My husband denies any sort of affair. Actually, when I asked him about it he said, "Are *you* having an affair? Because usually it is the person who is cheating who accuses the other person."

This is a typical reaction: To turn something around on me if I ever question him about anything or have an opinion or an emotion that is counter to his.

Which brings me to where I am now:

It doesn't really matter.

If he is or is not seeing someone, or interested in someone...or interested in the idea of someone else, it doesn't really matter. It doesn't matter either way because our marriage is over and we are past the point of no return. While him having an affair might give me some relief in a strange way...in way of some sort of explanation to why our marriage is ending...it doesn't change what is happening.

We will still have to sort out this mess of finances, where we both will live, custody of the children. And the worst of all is having to break our children's hearts by telling them their world-as-they-know-it is about to change forever.

There are some days (like today) when it is all I can do to try and keep it together in front of the kids. It doesn't help that it is summer break and I'm with them 24/7. At least if they were in school I could crawl into my bed for a couple of hours and cry all the tears I want to cry.

When You Know, You Know. You Know?

It's time to start trusting my instincts. And I know I am right. He's got a girlfriend at work. Of course it's at work, where else does he spend ALL of his time? They are on a work trip in San Francisco together right at this very moment. Of course, he was too busy yukking it up and posting pictures of himself (and her, along with other people in their group, but, mostly her) all drinking and having a great time to bother to even call to speak to his kids the past two nights in a row. F*cking bastard. No wonder he didn't take me to the last Z@ppo's Family Picnic: He was all "Oh I'll take the kids and you can have a rest." No. He never does that kind of stuff. He didn't want me there because SHE would be there, of course. The last Holiday Party? "Oh let's skip it this year." The one before that? We went in for 5 minutes and stood in the corner and he got all fidgety and wanted to leave. I couldn't understand it....I had gotten all dressed up and we were out and we had a babysitter and everything! Also he "lost" his wedding ring over 2 years ago... and every time I ask him about it he is like, "Oh, I have my eye on one that I really like but I'm saving up for it." When I pressed further (I wanted to try and buy it for him for Anniversary/birthday/Christmas) there was always an excuse: "It's on back order. It's discontinued. I haven't gotten my finger sized." Blah, blah, blah. I'm such an IDIOT! Good grief. They've been on SO many work trips, outings and events together. I just couldn't imagine him cheating. I've been so wrapped up in everything I do here. At home. With a kid with special needs. Yet, I am the one who has caused the marriage to fail. Because I'm always in a "bad mood". Maybe I'm in a bad mood because you're never here to help me! You are always out with your band of Merry Men and your Babe--who must all think I'm some kind of troll. What has he been telling them about me any way? Jeeezus! And then when you *are* home you're not really *here* because you're on your phone or your laptop or some other device, or you're like, "I'm just going to close my eyes and take a little nap. ZZZZZ" Why so tired all the time? He can deny it all he wants but it is so OBVIOUS to me now. I feel like such an idiot. And thank you so much for waiting until I am 43 fucking years old to ask me for a divorce. This affair (or whatever it is) has obviously been going on for a good 2 years now at least. You couldn't have let me go a little sooner? Just wait till I'm good and all the way in my MID fucking FORTIES. Thanks. While you can go on and fuck someone younger and make more babies or whatever the fuck you guys are planning on doing. No, leaving any sooner would have been too inconvenient. You would have had to be honest with yourself. You would shave had to give a shit about me and my feelings. My life. You wouldn't have been able to see your kids every day. You wouldn't have a built in laundress, pot washer and floor scrubber. F#CK YOU! And, now you want me to mooooove my ass along with you to Seattle for your new job (she's going to work for the same company, I assume like so many of your cohorts). So she'll be there, your kids will be there, and I'll be there to take care of said children and make sure you have access to them. Sounds like a great plan! What happens when someone doesn't go along with your plan? I'm sure it almost never happens. She's obviously been going along with whatever bullshit you've been feeding her this whole time. Well, she can have you. You guys can go be all Sleepless In Seattle together.