It Doesn't Really Matter Now

My last post was a bit of a rant, I know.

My husband denies any sort of affair. Actually, when I asked him about it he said, "Are *you* having an affair? Because usually it is the person who is cheating who accuses the other person."

This is a typical reaction: To turn something around on me if I ever question him about anything or have an opinion or an emotion that is counter to his.

Which brings me to where I am now:

It doesn't really matter.

If he is or is not seeing someone, or interested in someone...or interested in the idea of someone else, it doesn't really matter. It doesn't matter either way because our marriage is over and we are past the point of no return. While him having an affair might give me some relief in a strange way...in way of some sort of explanation to why our marriage is ending...it doesn't change what is happening.

We will still have to sort out this mess of finances, where we both will live, custody of the children. And the worst of all is having to break our children's hearts by telling them their world-as-they-know-it is about to change forever.

There are some days (like today) when it is all I can do to try and keep it together in front of the kids. It doesn't help that it is summer break and I'm with them 24/7. At least if they were in school I could crawl into my bed for a couple of hours and cry all the tears I want to cry.

When You Know, You Know. You Know?

It's time to start trusting my instincts. And I know I am right. He's got a girlfriend at work. Of course it's at work, where else does he spend ALL of his time? They are on a work trip in San Francisco together right at this very moment. Of course, he was too busy yukking it up and posting pictures of himself (and her, along with other people in their group, but, mostly her) all drinking and having a great time to bother to even call to speak to his kids the past two nights in a row. F*cking bastard. No wonder he didn't take me to the last Z@ppo's Family Picnic: He was all "Oh I'll take the kids and you can have a rest." No. He never does that kind of stuff. He didn't want me there because SHE would be there, of course. The last Holiday Party? "Oh let's skip it this year." The one before that? We went in for 5 minutes and stood in the corner and he got all fidgety and wanted to leave. I couldn't understand it....I had gotten all dressed up and we were out and we had a babysitter and everything! Also he "lost" his wedding ring over 2 years ago... and every time I ask him about it he is like, "Oh, I have my eye on one that I really like but I'm saving up for it." When I pressed further (I wanted to try and buy it for him for Anniversary/birthday/Christmas) there was always an excuse: "It's on back order. It's discontinued. I haven't gotten my finger sized." Blah, blah, blah. I'm such an IDIOT! Good grief. They've been on SO many work trips, outings and events together. I just couldn't imagine him cheating. I've been so wrapped up in everything I do here. At home. With a kid with special needs. Yet, I am the one who has caused the marriage to fail. Because I'm always in a "bad mood". Maybe I'm in a bad mood because you're never here to help me! You are always out with your band of Merry Men and your Babe--who must all think I'm some kind of troll. What has he been telling them about me any way? Jeeezus! And then when you *are* home you're not really *here* because you're on your phone or your laptop or some other device, or you're like, "I'm just going to close my eyes and take a little nap. ZZZZZ" Why so tired all the time? He can deny it all he wants but it is so OBVIOUS to me now. I feel like such an idiot. And thank you so much for waiting until I am 43 fucking years old to ask me for a divorce. This affair (or whatever it is) has obviously been going on for a good 2 years now at least. You couldn't have let me go a little sooner? Just wait till I'm good and all the way in my MID fucking FORTIES. Thanks. While you can go on and fuck someone younger and make more babies or whatever the fuck you guys are planning on doing. No, leaving any sooner would have been too inconvenient. You would have had to be honest with yourself. You would shave had to give a shit about me and my feelings. My life. You wouldn't have been able to see your kids every day. You wouldn't have a built in laundress, pot washer and floor scrubber. F#CK YOU! And, now you want me to mooooove my ass along with you to Seattle for your new job (she's going to work for the same company, I assume like so many of your cohorts). So she'll be there, your kids will be there, and I'll be there to take care of said children and make sure you have access to them. Sounds like a great plan! What happens when someone doesn't go along with your plan? I'm sure it almost never happens. She's obviously been going along with whatever bullshit you've been feeding her this whole time. Well, she can have you. You guys can go be all Sleepless In Seattle together.

What Day Is It

The days are running together. What has it been now? Two, three weeks since my husband told me he wanted a divorce? I go through the days trying to act normal. And sometimes I almost forget. Like when I'm making dinner and the kids are there and Husband is doing his usual things that he does...sitting on the couch reading something on his iPad. Only I'm not on the couch; I'm in the kitchen sitting at the table and then it's time to put the kids to bed and I start crying while I'm reading to Handsome Man about a cute little rabbit family. And then I go into my bedroom once the kids are down and I sob and sob and it won't stop coming out of me. And what am I crying over exactly? The end of the marriage? Or the realization that I have spent the last 13 years of my life in an emotionally abusive relationship where I have become totally disconnected from my feelings, and now I don't even know who I am anymore. I love my children, that is all I know. But right now it is hard just getting out of bed to feed them breakfast, or to remember to make them brush their teeth. I have got to keep it together. But I can't go on in this Limbo much longer. He needs to move out--but then the thought of having to explain everything to the children crushes me even more and I feel like I can't breathe.

Now

It has been over a week since my husband announced his unhappiness and his plan to divorce.

We are in limbo since his job is in flux and he may be taking another job which would mean another move--to Seattle. The potential move I've known about for a while. And while the mere thought of moving has had me stressed and sad (taking kids away from friends, *I* finally had some friends of my own, too--taking Handsome out of the school he is doing so well in, moving to yet another uncharted place with no friends, no family, figuring out the whole school thing for Handsome all over again, and of course, moving away from the potential business contacts I've made and the floral business I'd stated growing, finally, 4 years after our relocation here) I have been a cheerleader and confidant for my husband as he has vacillated back and forth over the past few months with his job situation and all the stress (not his fault) that is happening in his company. I absolutely do not want to move but I've made it clear that if it is for the good of the Family, I will do so. I have stuffed down my own feelings about this potential move to give him space and support. I assumed his increased moodiness and distance over the last few months had to do solely with the job situation. Little did I know he was planning our divorce.

My question though: Had I not dragged it out of him the other night, a "conversation he was not ready to have yet" when was he planning on telling me? Was he going to wait until we schlepped all our belongings out to Seattle, just like we schlepped everything out to Las Vegas four years ago, only this time, he'd tell me, oh, by the way, you'll be living in your own place.

I do not know how long he has been planning this I only know he has been increasingly distant for a while. I asked him if he is seeing anyone and he protested of course he is not, but it leaves me wondering. I know A LOT of people from his current company are making the move to Seattle; could there be someone else he's anxious to be with on the other side?

He does make an awful lot of business trips to Seattle.

I go between feeling quite numb and then feeling consumed by sadness, and a feeling of free-fall. My heart and my stomach seem to switch places and I can barely breathe, let alone eat. I find myself choking back tears at the most inopportune and random times: talking to my son's swim coach after class about my son's back-stroke. Driving my son to school. Standing in line at the grocery store.

Aside from the fact that we are now sleeping in separate bedrooms he comes home from work every day acting as if everything is hunky-dory! How nice for him, to be so comfortable and have access to his children, his belongings, my cooking, my cleaning, etc., etc., just like always! No worries for him. He obviously has let go--long ago, and now he's looking forward to the next chapter of his life.

Meanwhile, I wonder what the next chapter of my life can possibly hold--and--does he plan to write it for me like he has in the past? He assumes I will go along with his version of how this divorce will go--where we'll live (separately, but both near his work so he doesn't have to drive far to pick up kids on his days with them), how we'll divide custody (50/50), how we'll spend our Holidays (at his parent's house of course, theirs no reason for it to be awkward unless we make it awkward!), what kind of job I might pursue (now that you'll have more free time!).

His arrogance is maddening. And yet I should be used to it by now. But what I am really just starting to grasp now is the level at which I have subjugated myself to his wishes, desires, demands, and perception of how 'our' life should be: constantly putting my own dreams, career, friends, talents, interests, so far back on the back burner that they've gotten cold and rotten in the pot.

I've poured it all into making sure Handsome Man got what he needed. I've been a full time parent, advocate, student of special education law.... you name it. I've been a cook, a laundress, a frugal coupon-clipping shopper... dedicated to making our life work.

Of course I'm not without fault. I get moody and cranky. Especially after a full day with the kids. Especially on the days when Handsome Man is being particularly offensive to me. Some days he is steeped in his Oppositional Defiant Disorder and goes out of his way to make me upset. He tells me he "fucking hates me" and I'm "the worst mom in the world" and that I "obviously don't love him." This could be all just because I wouldn't let him get a snack from the vending machine after swim class because I don't want him eating any junk food before dinner. You know. Days like that. Yeah, by the time my husband gets home from work (and goes up stairs to 'relax' for 30-45 minutes--more if he decided to take a nap) and I'm battling with homework, discipline, dinner, whining, complaining, etc... you know, the funnest part of the day, right!... when I could use my partner's help, but he is blissfully checking Facebook, or whatever he does up in our room--yeah, I get a little crabby. I snap and yell too much at the kids. When he does come down stairs and grace us with his presence, the kids are dying for his attention and he barely acknowledges them as he gets on his computer or his iPad. Then it's bedtime, and that's the next big challenge. This is usually the toughest part of the day for Handsome Man, Meds have worn off, he's starting to feel tired, but nighttime meds haven't quite kicked in so he's wired, and volatile. After I get both kids down I feel like I've run a marathon. So, I guess there's not much of the good stuff left for my husband at the end of the day... I resent his hand-off parenting style...but I don't dare voice my concerns (I've made that mistake before!)

It's 4:45 a.m. and of course I'm awake. Insomnia much? I will try to get a snooze in before my alarm goes off in about an hour.

Today he leaves for Seattle for 3 days. He'll have his interviews. I'm just relieved I'll have the house to myself for that time. Maybe tonight I will be able to sleep soundly.

D-I-V-O-R-C-E

The other night my husband came out with the revelation that he thought it would be better if we got a divorce... This all comes on the cusp of a few things: 1. my mother had been ill, and my sister, unable to care for her alone, had been needing my help, so I drove out to California with my youngest for a few days to lend a hand, 2. HIS father was having some health problems, so we cancelled  a much anticipated trip to see them so that my husband could go by himself, while his sister and brother were also visiting from their various homes throughout the country. I have always been very close to his family (mine is lacking for many reasons) so it was a blow to hear tonight that he had already discussed our divorce with his family (brother and sister included) at least a month before I had any idea. Right now I feel like I've had a big punch to the gut and I can't stop crying. There is so much more to this story, and of course as it unravels there will be more gore and guts to spill  but for now I am totally spend, wondering if somehow I am crazy, and I just fucked up something I should have been more appreciative of all along, and if maybe, I am just a sour person who can never be happy, or, if I unwittingly married a Narccicist  who has been unable to feel or empathize with me for years and all of my emotion has been seen as 'instability' to him--and he has made me believe it too.

I ramble, i've had a few and I've been sobbing. He seems very smug when he says, "it's ok to be angry, I've had time to process this, and you haven't" Yes, I just wonder WHO he's been processing it with...IYKWIM

When Is Enough, Enough Already?

"I'm sorry your parents never told you this....you're a brat!"

So, my son has a lot of problems making and keeping friends. He really is a sweet boy, but he has a lot of barriers down the path of social interaction. First of all, his ADHD makes him extremely hyper and inattentive. He's like a whirling Tasmanian Devil of energy. It's great for races around the neighborhood on bikes, but when the other kids want to do something more structured, like, say, play a game of catch at the end of the cul de sac or throw the football, my kid's ability to participate falls apart. His other neurological challenges, including PDD-NOS (which is on the Autisim Spectrum) make him just, well, awkward. He perseverates on topics that no one else finds interesting (trains, tornadoes, recycling trucks, something funny someone said last week that he is still cracking up about). He has a very hard time remembering things (like people's names) and he usually forgets to ask in the first place. His social awkwardness may come off as "odd" or "rude" or "self-centered". He also has dyspraxia which makes him sort of clumsy, (another reason he shies away from that game of catch) and it also impacts his speech. He is very tall for his age and looks more like a 10-year-old than the almost-8-year-old that he is, but he sounds and acts a bit like a 5-year-old. His frustration tolerance is low and so, just like a 5-year-old (or even younger kid) he has been known to melt down when he doesn't get his way.

We have a lot of kids of various ages in the neighborhood. Mostly the kids are pretty nice to Handsome Man and the older boys in the neighborhood typically indulge him at least for a little while riding bikes. I've never said anything to any of them, but I'm guessing they've got some sense that Handsome Man has some "issues" and I think they are basically wonderful in that they let him play and even sometimes come knock on the door to ask him to ride bikes. But after a little while I notice they all sort of disappear and Handsome Man is left wondering why no one wants to ride bikes anymore and where everyone went? There are also several kids that are about Handsome Man's age or a little younger and they tend to follow him around like The Pied Piper. I am always a bit nervous when this happens because while Handsome Man would never think of getting into a physical altercation if he got mad at one of the older kids, he has had some history of getting physical with other kids.

Now Handsome Man's short fuse has gotten him (and therefore the family) into hot water on many different occasions. Things got so bad 2 years ago when he was in Kindergarten that the school "firmly suggested" he be moved to another school which had a "special program" for kids with "behavioral issues". Not to make a long story too long here, but the change of venues was an absolute disaster; he was put in a classroom full of kids (mostly older) who had some severe emotional/behavioral problems, who targeted Handsome Man, and, basically, demonstrated how to behave even worse than he had been behaving in Kinder. (And don't even get me started on the LANGUAGE he came home with--**cringe**). Let's just say, my son is very impressionable, and he will mimic what he sees or hears. (Yes, I know that is true for all kids on some level but especially ASD kids). After many months of struggling with the school, and then the district, to change his placement (they refused to move him to the Autism Classroom or the Learning Disabled Classroom instead) the Husband and I eventually decided our only option was to put him into a private school. So midway through the school year last year, I actually pulled him out of school and homeschooled him (sort of) for the rest of the year (mostly we worked on his behavior and, basically, undoing everything he had learned from the other students in that ill-fated classroom) until, at last, we were able to get him into the one and only school in our area that specializes in teaching kids like Handsome Man.

Flash forward to this school year, and, on the whole, things are going pretty well. We are blessed to have found this school and they are amazing. Also, during the day he is surrounded by a bunch of other kids who also have issues like Learning Disabilities, Asperger's, ADHD and those who just don't "fit" into a traditional school setting. So, for the most part, his odd behaviors are....normal... when he's at school.

But then he comes home.

Now, to the point of my post. There is one girl in particular who lives across the street from us. Let's call her Veruca. She is just a little younger than Handsome Man. She also has a brother who is the same age as Handsome  Man. They used to play over here quite a bit and both Handsome Man and Grace played over there. We had a nice, friendly, neighborly relationship with the kids' parents and we were thrilled that Handsome Man actually had friends. Now there were several times when I had to break up arguments between the kids over who had what toy first, who's turn it was, etc., etc.. But, basically things were going well. I found these two kids to be a bit annoying (lack of manners, very demanding, bossy, inconsiderate) but who was I to complain, I mean, my kid was the one with "issues" right? I felt I should keep my opinions to myself.

Then, things took a turn.

Flash back to fall, a year ago, when Handsome Man was in the "behavioral" class, and our behavioral struggles at home were at their zenith. After school one day, one of the kids across the street was having a birthday party and my kids were invited. As usual at any group event where my kids are involved, I hovered on pins and needles, hyper vigilant to watch for any early sign of distress in my kid so that I could divert or intervene before anything embarrassing happened. But, the kids were all playing along nicely, or so I thought. I started to relax. And then, the next thing I knew, Handsome Man was throwing punches. At Veruca. Oh. My. God. Of course we made a quick exit and I went back to apologize profusely. The grown ups acted understanding (they'd been made aware of his situation). I felt horrible. Handsome Man was angry at Veruca for some perceived injustice, and he didn't want to apologize (though I did make him). But, Veruca didn't stop coming around to play with my daughter. Handsome Man grew jealous of their friendship and Veruca took every opportunity to throw it in his face...goading my daughter to come play with her, but to leave her brother behind. My son's emotional pain was palpable. But what was I to do? Yes, Veruca was being mean, but I also wanted Handsome to learn the hard way that you can't punch people and then expect them to be nice to you. Also, Grace seemed to like playing with Veruca and I didn't want to keep her from a friendship because of something her brother had done. It didn't seem fair.

Then, one day, a few months ago....

Handsome Man and Grace were playing in front of our house. The family across the street pulled up in their driveway. The parents went in the house, and Veruca remained outside... asking Grace to come over to her side of the street to play (common). Now, I wasn't there that day (I was working) but apparently here's what happened next: Grace went across the street to greet Veruca. I'm not sure if Handsome Man said anything, but my guess is he was feeling hurt about being left out yet again. Then, for some reason I still don't fully understand, Veruca shouted at Handsome Man, waving her arms tauntingly, "Hey, STUPID! Why don't you come over here and HIT ME?"

Well, what do you think Handsome Man did?

{Covering eyes, shaking head}

Veruca cried and wailed and when my husband ran out of the house to see what was going on, Veruca's father was shaking my son in the middle of the street and screaming "What the hell is wrong with you????"

Well obviously, Veruca's parents do not allow her to come over and play anymore. She's not allowed to play with Handsome Man. And I wouldn't want Handsome Man to play with her anymore any way. (And I never see her older brother anymore at all, my guess is he is inside playing video games 24/7).

But this does not keep Veruca from coming over to play with Grace. I don't let Grace go over to her house, but, there are a few other slightly younger girls in the neighborhood that like to play together and Veruca likes to be the ring leader. So they all play outside together, and Handsome Man rides his bike. He keeps asking me when Veruca will be his friend again, and, he keeps bringing her little treats when she is out playing: cookies, yogurt pops, crackers, juice boxes, you name it. Daily, Handsome Man gives me an update: I think Veruca isn't mad at me anymore. I think Veruca might start liking me again soon. I think Vercua does not hate me.... Not only does she gladly accept the many gifts, but she has started coming to my door demanding them. However, she announces that she is not allowed to come in our house, so can I/Grace bring her XYZ? No please, no thank you, and then, to add insult to injury, she usually leaves her empty juice box, yogurt wrapper, or whatever trash on the from porch or in my driveway. She uses my daughter's bike or scooter and leaves it in the street. And she continues to treat my son like crap. And my son keeps trying to win her friendship back. And she continues to exclude him and say rude things to him. Today, she called him stupid again. Stupid. My beautiful boy who struggles daily with school due to not only his ADHD but also a hefty case of Dyslexia. My beautiful boy, who, despite my telling him to the contrary, really believes he is stupid, and has told me so on numerous occasions. Handsome Man, who looks more and more like a man and less like a kid each day, comes to me in tears after being called stupid.

I told him, if that's how she treats him, then, well, does he really need her friendship?

He went on riding his bike.

Then Veruca came around at snack time. Grace came in and got yogurt pops for Veruca and the two other little girls from the block. Handsome Man ran out to offer her some mango we had just brought home from the store and some water. The girls played with my kids' toys in the front driveway and ate their snacks. I popped my head out and asked if she could please pick up her trash when she was done, please, and thank you.

Two minutes later,  I overheard her say, to my daughter, "This is your house so you have to pick up my trash." As I stepped out the front door, I saw her throw her yogurt pop wrapper on the sidewalk.

Something clicked inside......ENOUGH!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I stepped out and told Veruca, "You need to stop bossing my children around like that. Also, I know what you have been saying to Handsome Man and you know that it is not only wrong, but it is just plain mean-spirited and rude!! Now please pick up your trash, it's time for my kids to come in for dinner."

She walked away looking very sad, and saying nothing, I'm sure she was on the verge of tears, but.... I DONT CARE!! I CANT STAND THAT KID!

I know my son was in the wrong to put his hands on her...twice. But we have all been walking around on eggshells around her ever since and I feel like I've been the emotional hostage of a petulant little child for the past few months.

"Stupid" is a bad word in my house, right up there with the other "S" word and the "F" word. Handsome Man has made stunning progress and is very good with his language, so these are words I don't usually hear unless I'm watching an uncensored episode of Kitchen Nightmares...Furthermore, despite the problems we may have had... one thing Handsome Man has never gotten in trouble for is for calling another child names. Where does Veruca get the idea to call him stupid? Though he may be smart as a whip, the truth is he is a Special Needs Child and this is something of which I'm sure she is aware of (as much as one can be at her age). Where did she hear this from? Her parents, I'm sure. Now, I know if I were in their shoes I would not be happy if someone had laid a hand on my child. I do not blame them for telling her she is not allowed to play over here. But, I never addressed the fact that the Father grabbed my child and screamed at him. I feel like I'm in a case of the Hatfields and the McCoys over here, but my feud isn't even with the other adults, it's with their child.

Am I totally insane, or was I right to speak up? I feel like I need to set an example, at least for Grace who is the youngest of the neighborhood kids, that she should't let others boss her around, and I certainly don't want her acting that way at someone else's house. As for Veruca's taunting Handsome Man, should I go speak to the girls' parents or just let it lie? As a parent of a child with special needs, am I being oversensitive? When do I step in, and when do I leave my kid to work things out and take the lumps he's given. They will always be able to pull the card, "Well, your kid hit my kid..." so, I don't really feel like I have a leg to stand on, but I still want to say it, out loud, at least here on my blog.....

THAT KID IS A BRAT!!!!

What do you think?

Did I Just Say That?

10 Things I hear myself say the most often on any given day

1. Eat OVER your PLATE!

2. Did you wipe your hands?

3. Close the door!!

4. Did you wipe your butt?

5. Did you wash your hands? (Usually accompanied by, 'Did you flush the toilet?')

6. Don't lie to me...

7. I'll be there IN. A. MINUTE!

8. Can I please have some privacy!?!?!?!?!? (Usually said while trying to get in the shower/get dressed/go to the bathroom).

9. Gross. (Can also be substituted with, 'What *IS* that?')

10. INDOOR VOICE!!! (Ironically, I am usually not using my Indoor Voice when I make this command).

I'm sure there are more... but these are the ones I know I've said like eleven hundred times recently. What are your most repeated phrases? Leave them for me in the comments!